Expectations

Expectations

The question of the day: Are you expectations too high?

Well, let me tell you, that’s a loaded question…almost too loaded. Anyone who knows me knows that my expectations of myself are too high…waaaay to high. Definitely higher than my 4’10” frame. Unfortunately, there’s no way I can change that. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Being a disabled adult, I was always told that I could do anything. That I can be anything. My mother always assured me that there’s nothing that could happen in my life that would stop me from reaching my dreams. Also, my mother never treated me any differently than she did my sisters. If I did something wrong, I got punished just like my sisters did…time outs, maybe a spanking (rarely a spanking) or whatnot. My mother didn’t coddle me and she didn’t expect anyone else to do that either.

But as I grew up, the whole “I can do anything” thing transformed into proving that I can achieve the same thing, if not more, than people expect me to. I already had the title of “disabled” hanging over my head. People already knew that I had a condition and that made me want to prove, even more, that I wasn’t my condition. That “disabled” was only a word, and that I was so much more than that.

It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Though I stopped denying my disability or the condition I have, I work harder to prove that it means nothing. That it stops nothing. In doing that, I have completely stressed myself out by trying to be “perfect” and trying to prove myself. I would not be my disability, I refused to be.

So, are my expectations for myself too high? Of course they are. Because I feel like, not only do I have to prove myself to others, but I have to prove myself to myself. I have to make a life for myself so well that no one remembers that I’m disabled. No one even thinks of it. I want to be a successful adult that just so happens to have a medical condition.

A lot of people don’t understand that, hell my own mother doesn’t get it, but it’s there. I understand it, and that’s all that matters.

I just wish my expectations didn’t come with stress and doubts.

And sometimes, I wish I could just…be. Be myself. Be lazy. Be…average.

But I’m disabled…and average isn’t in my vocabulary anymore. I will always want to be above average…

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