Today I want to talk about Regrets…
There’s a lot of things that I regret in my life. I regret dating and ex-boyfriend who did nothing but make me feel like shit, and I regret every short haircut I got that I thought looked good on me.
One of my biggest regrets, though, is losing a friendship with a boy, L. We were friends for years, from the age of eight up until three years ago. At first we were casual friends, seeing each other in religious ed once a week. Then in middle school, I was friends with him because he was friends with my boyfriend at the time. L was always kind of there, around and easy to talk to. We started talking on AOL/AIM, talking about nothing and yet everything.
He really got me, more than anyone else, because he was disabled too. He had Cerebral Palsy and walked differently. He understood what it was like to be different in a school that judged everyone.
That’s what drove me to him, and sent me running away too.
Our friendship became shaky when we were fourteen/fifteen and he told me he liked me. I didn’t like him like that and no matter what, he didn’t take no for an answer. For years were only talked now and then because whenever we talked, he would ask me our tell me he liked me. It was a lot for a fifteen year old, especially since I didn’t like him like that.
I was also scared of dating another disabled person because, at fifteen, all I wanted to do was be normal. I didn’t want any more attention on me. I’m completely ashamed of how I acted and thought, but at fifteen, I didn’t exactly have the brightest brain or strongest confidence in myself.
A few years later, though, we became inseparable. I don’t know how it happened, but one day I went over to his house to hang out and we were watching sports (football maybe?) I knew nothing about it and I had to ask him question after question. He didn’t mind, though, and answered every question that I had until I understood football enough to watch the game.
From then on, he and I hung out all weekend, every weekend. We would walk around our neighborhood, talking and joking. I would ask him boy advice and he would ask me girl advice. We became best friends. There was nothing that I didn’t tell him and nothing that he didn’t know about me. He became my confidant, my support, and everything I ever needed in a friend.
We ended up going to the same college together so our friendship became stronger in the four years we were at school together. He was there for me when I was crying over my ex-boyfriend, holding me and telling me everything out be okay.
But that all changed the moment I met my husband, A. Truthfully, I should’ve known that there was going to be a problem. Though L claimed not to have feelings for me anymore, he didn’t act like that. But I brushed it off because we were close…best friends cuddled and stuff so I didn’t think too much of it.
When I started dating A, things with L got a little tense. He didn’t want to hang out a lot, and he sure as hell didn’t want to hang out when A was around. He didn’t want to get to know A, and always seemed upset when I talked about A.
As the years went on, our friendship dwindled down to almost nothing. I would text him, but get no response. Walk to his house, but he was never around, and a few times I saw him turn around before he passed my house on his daily walk. I was desperate to hang on to him but he was fine with letting me go.
Our breaking point was three years ago, when I got married. L already declined the offer to be a groomsman, which caused us not to talk for a few months, but then he declined even coming to my wedding.
I was crushed. When I approached him about it, he said it was because we weren’t really friends anymore, and that he would feel uncomfortable there. Though he didn’t say it, I knew it was because I was marrying someone who wasn’t him. He still had feelings for me and the fact that I was getting married was the nail in the coffin: he knew I would never date him.
That night, as I said hello to one new relationship in my life, I said goodbye to another one. One that was so strong that I still haven’t completely gotten over.
I know I did everything I could to keep the friendship alive. I tried to keep contact with him, tried to see what he was up to. But He never wanted to keep ties with me. After our confrontation about the wedding (which, I’ll admit, I accused him of still being into me – and he denied it, of course) things were never the same. We were not the same.
I regret losing that friendship because it meant a lot to me. L saw me through some of the roughest times and I wish he could be here for the better times. I wish I could still confide in him and lean on him. I want to tell him what’s going on, how everything has changed. I want him part of my life so bad that I wouldn’t mind forgetting everything that happened. I wouldn’t mind starting over.
But he made his decision and I have to live with that.