Every now and then I wonder if I’m going to be a good mother. I mean, I was raised by a rather kick ass mother myself, so I know I have the actual parenting thing down pact. But I mean being a mother. Having patience and not being critical. I’m a naturally critical person. It’s not like I want to pick out the flaws of people, it just happens.
I guess I’m a little anal when it comes to what I like/how I like to be done. I like neat and clean, and if you’re going to fold laundry, for example, you’re going to learn how to do it the right way. I was brought up to do everything completely, or don’t do it at all.
I guess that’s my downfall.
I’m scared that I’m not going to be the mother you deserve. That I’m too about face, too feisty for my own good. I’m also scared that maybe one day you’ll see all my scars and I’ll have to explain it to you. Or, worse, you’ll have to live through a surgery or two of mine. (Hopefully not, but you never know)
I want to be able to let you make your own mistakes, follow your own path, but I’m afraid that I’ll be too much like a helicopter mom. I’ll nudge you in what I think is the correct path, but it may be the worst path for you.
I’m also too serious. Unlike the man who will be your father, I don’t know how to have fun so much. I’m a bundle of nerves, always worrying about the next thing. I never take time to just enjoy everything. I hope to break that before you come along, but I’m afraid the damage has already been done.
I want to be the best mother that I can for you. I want you to be able to come to me, depend on me, and even trust me enough to let me into your life when you’re old enough.
I’m just not sure that I will be. And I’m petrified that I won’t be.
But only time will tell and I know, if I ever feel like it’s too much, I have my own support system behind me. I have people that will point me in the right direction so I can point you in the right direction.
I think, between everyone we have in our lives, we’ll be okay.
Love your (future) Mom